December 18, 2025
by Natasha Orbeck O’Connor
Finding Joy During the Holidays After Loss
I’ve never felt an emotion quite like grief. It lingers throughout the year and feels heavier when the holidays come. I always find myself asking, “How am I supposed to be filled with joy when a piece of my heart is missing?”
It’s been almost 9 years since my husband passed away, and the holidays were his favorite. It was his time to reset and be with the people he loved the most. We spent most of our time together building a home, a family, and careers. All of that came to a halt when cancer struck, and he was taken from us after a 13-month fight.
In trying to find light in the darkness and peace for my heart through celebrations without him, I had to find a way to keep his memory alive. A way to ensure his presence was still felt without the grief overshadowing the spirit of the holiday. I did this in part because I knew he would be upset if I simply let the holidays pass without acknowledgment, but also because we have two kids who also miss their dad.
I stumbled upon many ideas for how to handle grief through the holidays. I found and attended grief support groups like what are offered at Bri’s Lodge, I found books, blogs, and even videos on various platforms.
Eventually I learned grief is not linear nor does it pass with time. Time does not heal; effort does. Healing takes time and dedication, but grief never goes away.
As I made my way through the fog of grief, I wanted to find something that worked for me but also spoke to his family because they lost him too. I found and settled on lighting five candles. A poem I had found through a grief website, and one that stood out above the other suggestions I had found.
During the holidays, finding a way, no matter how small, can sometimes save your own spirit for the celebrations despite a shattered heart.
The following has served our family through many celebrations and most notably, through the holidays. I hope that it may serve as a way for you to remember your loved one and be a way to add a little light back into the season.
Five Candles
From the poem written by Sherry L. Williams
We light these five candles in honor of our loved ones: One for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love, and one for our hope.
The first candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is as intense as our love for you.
The second candle represents the courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other and to change our lives.
The third candle we light in your memory: the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry towards each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
The fourth candle we light for our love. As we enter the holiday season and share this day of remembrance, we light this candle that your light may always shine.
The fifth candle we light for hope: that you will live on through us, never be erased from our memory, that your life continues to make a difference in the world. That you are proud of us and that we will be together again. We love you, we remember you.